Two of my guy friends are roommates, and as roommates often do, they had an argument.
To sum up the cause of the fight, one roommate decided spur-of-the-moment to buy a vacuum cleaner to clean their disgusting apartment. He popped into his roommate’s bank job unannounced to tell him he needed $25 to cover half the cost.
The other roommate was angry to be asked for money he wasn’t planning on spending and refused to pay. Instead of heading home after work to face his friend, he went to a bar to cool off and spent at least $25 on angry beers.
This is familiar to most of us, I’m willing to bet. I have stood on the sidelines and watched my pride ruin friendships and relationships, all over being unwilling to say the two-worded phrases in the following variations: “You’re right,” “I’m wrong,” or “I’m sorry.”
Once I figured out how to admit my 50% of fault in an argument, I started to become better at admitting the real reasons behind the angry emotions – “I’m scared,” “I’m insecure,” “I’m lazy,” “I’m selfish.” It was like waving a magic wand over my relationships, particularly my relationship with Ian.
Since it was obvious my friends’ fight was not really about the vacuum cleaner, I suggested they try to defuse the situation and get to the real reason they were angry with each other. It’s tough to continue a fight if you step up and admit to what you’ve done wrong:
Jen (angrily): “Carlene, you left your dishes all over the counter, this place is a dump!
Me (calmly and apologetically): “You’re right, I was being lazy and should have helped clean up last night, there’s really no excuse.”
Jen (less angrily): “You’re right, you were being lazy, it wasn’t cool.”
Me (calmly and apologetically): “I completely understand that you’re angry at me, it was very uncool of me to leave my mess everywhere.”
Jen (trying real hard to stay angry but it’s not working): “I’m sure I’ll get over it but can you please not do it in the future? I felt like your maid.”
Me (calmly and apologetically): “You’re right, and you should never feel like I take you for granted, I’m sorry.”
….and in most situations, the fight is diffused, and a more honest conversation can begin.
It’s a dialogue I wish I could hand to every relationship, but it has to be learned the hard way: lived through so you understand it down to your bones. It’s in our nature to “fight or flight,” and it absolutely sucks to stop yourself in your tracks, give a mental slap to the face, and spit out the true, secret reason behind your anger and unhappiness.
What’s the fighting worth, anyway? What does being right accomplish; if you win the fight over the $50 vacuum cleaner, what have you actually won?
Nada. Ziltch. Zero. Except a world’s worth of troubles with that cheap-ass vacuum.
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