One of the hardest things to come to terms with when it comes to being abused is that, in the case of the abuser being someone in your family or close to you in your life, there can be positive contributions to your life from the very person who made it hell.
I was abused by my former stepfather from the time I was about four until I was thirteen. His contributions to who I am today are few, but still there: his presence in my life is the reason my little sister is on this planet, and his constant warnings kept me away from drugs, alcohol and cigarettes. He gave me the drive to do something with my life by beating it into my head that I knew how intelligent I was, and gave me structure in between the abuse.
Contrary to popular belief, abuse is not always a 24/7 thing, and that’s exactly why it’s so terrifying. Sometimes, the person abusing you IS a great father, mother, boyfriend or girlfriend much of the time. One day, everything can be normal; the family can be eating dinner together, going to the supermarket, you can be a kid for a day, or two, or ten.
Then, there’s the change, the sudden feeling of your sixth sense – which develops to an exceptional level when you live under the same roof – SCREAMING at you to be careful, because storm clouds are brewing on the horizon. You walk around a corner, and the other side of that person is waiting.
Abuse is scary to confess. I was being hurt by my stepfather, and if it had been my own father or mother I would have had even more of a difficult time seeking help. Confessing can feel like you’re turning your back on your family, forgetting the times that were good, the love they gave you as a parent. It can feel like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel.
One in four of us are hurt by someone at some point in our life, 25% of us, 6 out of 24 kids in any given classroom have been hurt. I think it seems easier to live through abuse than decide to talk; personally, the huge fear of “being found out” kept me silenced for years. If kids in school will pick on someone for wearing the wrong shirt, it’s terrifying to imagine how they’ll react to if they find out you’ve been molested or beaten.
And yet, had I known the numbers, I would have realized that in my high school of 3,000 kids, 750 of them had been or were being abused in some way. That’s way more than the track team or chess club, and sometimes I wish we had managed to find each other and realized we were far from alone, maybe start a support group.
What else I wish I’d known when I was in the darkest depths of despair was how wonderful the people around me would actually be when my “terrible secret” finally came out. My mother and family stood by my side, the few people I told at school were incredibly supportive, and when I finally decided to be open and honest about my experiences I was shocked at the outpouring of love I received from everyone, from young kids to adults.
I call myself an unrelenting optimist not because I walk around like a ray of sunshine. I call myself an unrelenting optimist because living through my darkest times have taught me that in the end, everything will be alright.
There is a lot of love out there. Being abused doesn’t make anyone less wonderful, it gives us a different plot in our life stories. I want to send a letter back in time to my 13-year-old self, thinking the world was over because my terrible secret had been discovered and printed in the newspaper for the world to read.
I would tell her that before the age of 30 she would have learned to stand up for herself, earned a college degree, started a successful business, found wonderful friends, gotten engaged to a magnificent and supportive man, and most importantly learned to turn the fear into a tool to help others. I would tell her to keep an eye out for a little site called Facebook, because she was going to be shocked at the people who would turn out to be friends and fans.
Most of all, I would tell her to find her voice and use it. It’s frightening to acknowledge that you’ve been abused by a person who has also loved you, that a person who raised you and has given you positive qualities could hurt you down to your soul. And that’s why there’s such a silence around the topic, and that’s what I hope will begin to change. Soon.
In case there is anyone reading this blog who is living in an abusive situation right now, I do not think abuse of any kind is acceptable. I have chosen to turn a situation that has happened to me and cannot be changed into a strength versus a weakness. If this is something happening to you IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM, go find someone you can trust to talk to and develop a plan to get out safely.
If they won’t (or can’t) listen, move on and talk to someone else until you can safely get yourself away from the situation. My friend Gia works for the New York State Coalition Against Sexual Assault and they provide help and information for anyone in these situations. If you need help but live in another state, Google your state’s offices or else give a call to these ladies and they’ll do their very best to point you in the right direction.
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7 Responses to “Coming to terms”
*huggles*
sometimes…adversity decends and we don’t know where to run or which way to turn. It’s the people that have strength in their core who survive. You can lay down and die from the past or you can allow it to shape you into the person you will become. I believe that you are still being shaped and molded and your journey through life is just beginning. Embrace the power that freedom brings Carlene…and we will walk with you in body, mind and spirit.
love diana
Hello friend,
First thank you for providing information about NYSCASA.
Second – you are the true embodiment of a SURVIVOR. You are a strong and beautiful woman who looked in the face of adversity and hardship and said “thank you for you have made me a stronger and better person.” You are an amazing inspiration to us all. You never cease to amaze me with all of your fantastic qualities.
~Gia
I have tears in my eyes reading this. Thank you so much for sharing. I’ve told you before this is an issue in my family. I lived for years with 3 women who experienced the same thing as you. In the little family I grew up in I was the 1 out of 5 that hadn’t been abused (my father grew up with an abusive parent as well). It is so important for women and men to be courageous enough to share their stories, so that others will know they are not alone. There is a perfection in knowing you are not alone…even if what you share with another is tragic.
Thanks for the wonderful and positive feedback, Leslee!
I taught Health Education/PE for 33 years and 1 in 4 is indeed the statistic.Some of the abused won’t make eye contact with an adult or pull away like you shocked them with your touch on their arm or some actually tell you the truth about their lives. One in particular had the body of a 10 year old and threw herself into my arms trembling uncontrollably and blurted out what was happening in her home with her Dad. I broke down in tears after DSS took her away. Her Mom didn’t believe her or, as I suspect, was not willing to give up the two-income lifestyle. We need to be willing to do more than compliment Carlene on how strong she it.Women need to listen to their “wild Brain” as Oprah calls it.We need to be strong, vigilant, and aggressive to save “our” (they are all ours)children.It can be a parent,teacher, clergyman, youth group counselor, boy/girl scout adviser, etc. Any where there are children, there is danger. YOU CAN FEEL IT IF YOU LET YOURSELF.Talk to your children even if it makes you uncomfortable. It WILL make you uncomfortable, but that is your job!Provide refuge.Call United Way..they can point you in a good direction. Listen, read what they write:They are very likely to write about it as that is easier than saying it. Watch for physical signs….hiding their bodies with long sleeves in the summer and cutting themselves.We adult women have so much to offer these children.Did you know that if you donate to the United Fund you can request to have your money go to a charity of your choice? Send it to a facility for homeless and abused families. Cuts in state funding is happening everywhere and facilities are closing.We are all a little poorer right now, but I bet you can afford $5…we all can. Carlene is hoping that her opening up will help someone else.You can help someone else.I can help someone else. Volunteer.Above all, listen and feel with your heart…maybe someone is trying to reach you.Love you, Carlene…never give up trying to get the word out!!
<3 you Shirneen