RockstarCarlene.com: The Unrelenting Optimist

There are times when I feel like a waste of space, and then there are days like today when I feel incredibly accomplished.  So far, I have edited an entire wedding’s worth of photos, returned all essential emails, uploaded the wedding pics and emailed them out to my clients, and even have all my bills ready to be paid.  Isn’t being a grown-up grand…..

I thought this month was going to be all about music, between the trip to Nashville and taking a break from my BNI group.  Instead, I haven’t picked up my guitar since getting back, and haven’t even done much singing.

I think I’m stuck.  I’m trying to figure out what the next step is, and I’m drawing a blank.  In a perfect world I would get together a band and start playing Muse and Paramore songs at great venues to get started.  That keeps hitting a roadblock, though, much to my chagrin, and now I’m drumming my fingers against my chin trying to figure out a good move.

Much of my life has been lived in a state of vague frustration.  If I’m not smashing against the status quo I am always fidgeting internally out of an impatience to go ahead and do something great already.  I’ve wanted to be a rock star since the first time my uncle put a microphone in my hand around age 3 and introduced me to the wide world of STAGE FRIGHT.  It’s very “Carlene” of me to want to do the thing that scares me most.

I’ve been taking my sweet time getting the “normal” stuff out of the way – high school, college, starting a business – and although I’ve tried many, many times to get the musical ball rolling, it’s always met a rather boring end, usually getting left behind in the wake of a relationship or in the face of too much homework and not enough time (which is really an excuse for not enough dedication).

And yet, it’s never died out.  I thought when I moved from New York to New Hampshire that I had left the music behind me, and at first it was a relief to not have the nagging “You should be playing your guitar and writing a song” in the background at all times.  Then, I had one, then two, then three people all mention to me that they missed watching and hearing me play music, and the nagging was back.

I’m not entirely sure how to integrate it into my life.  I run a business, and that’s how I’m viewed by most of the people who know me – “Hi, this is Carlene, she’s a professional photographer and graphic designer.  See, she made my business cards!”

When it works well (and there are certainly weeks where that is not at all the case), I like doing that and it generally makes me happy.  It does not, however, fill me with the same joy that a week in Nashville doing nothing but music did.  That’s the life I want to live, and I’m really quite clear on that (you hear that, Universe?).  I’m waiting now for that lightning strike of “DO THIS ACTION TO GET THIS END RESULT” to hit me, and so far the skies are looking awfully blue and thunderstorm-free.

For someone who started a successful business at 23 years old, I expect more of myself than this twiddling of my thumbs.  What am I waiting for, really?